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Entries in Harlee (1)


A million little pieces

That's my heart.  It has been broken and I don't know if it will ever be whole again.  My English Bulldog, Harlee, passed away on Wednesday August 25, 2010 at 10.35 am.  He has been dealing with mass cell tumors for approximately two years.  We've been thru two surgeries to remove them, each time hoping that enough 'clean' area was captured so that the cancer would not come back.  Well, it did.  With a vengenance.  He became sick sometime during Monday night such that it hurt him to stand and walk.  We rushed him to the vet on Tuesday and we were given medicine and hope.  How I clung to that hope!  On Wednesday morning, after a night of watching him suffer, I knew.  We made the hardest decision we've ever had to make but yet I know it was the right decision because he is no longer suffering.

He was best known as fatboy, doodle-bug, the wude dude, sweetie, baby, and love.  He loved his family unconditionally.  All he wanted was to be in the presence of his family.  He was happiest going for a ride, getting a treat or sitting in your lap.  He loved to share the sofa with me for a good nap.  He loved to wear clothes - whether it was one of my t-shirts, his devil Halloween costume, his life jacket for the lake, his winter coat, or his Christmas sweaters. He loved baked chicken, a little bacon grease on his food, watermelon, strawberries, the random potato chip and tomatoes.  I loved watching him and the cat ('Lil Black) play with each other.  Harlee would chase the cat and then they would turn around and the cat would chase Harlee.  It was too funny to watch!! 

Today would have been his 15th birthday.  And today, I received his ashes.  His food and water bowls, his baskets of toys, and his bed are all where he left them.  I'm afraid to move them.  I'm afraid that will somehow change my memories.  Which is now all I have.  Michael has found several videos of him and we sit and watch them - realizing how lucky we were to have him in our lives.

I've been prone to crying outbrusts at random times; I've accidentially told our real estate agent that I love him while leaving him a voicemail (MB called Jordan and they both got a big kick out that); and I had an outburst at the deli counter of the grocery store.  A man (clearly retired and not married) spent 20 minutes deciding what he wanted, how he wanted it cut, how he wanted it wrapped so I finally couldn't take it anymore (I'm only hanging on by a thread) when he decided he wanted to discover a new cheese...I let out a yell of 'Holy Sh#@', grabbed a pre-packaged deli meat and walked off.  Michael has been really good to me - he's quick to give me a hug, tell me Harlee is Okay now and that he will always be with me.

My fear is that I will always have this heavy pit in my stomach and this broken heart.  While I'm so lucky to have known and loved him, I know what life was like with my doodle bug and how empty it will be in the future.  I have to believe that he is on the Rainbow Bridge waiting for me.

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